Little Portrait

I love the little sliver of light falling right down the middle of the model's face. It's just a nice subtle draw on the eye that I quite enjoy.

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7

Model: St. Merrique

Film: Fomapan 100

Location: Portland, OR 

Smoking

Yeah, I’ll admit it, I have a “thing” for watching a person smoke a cigarette. I know that puts me in the same camp as about 85% of the rest of the population and I don’t really care. When something works, it just simply works. 

Camera: Mamiya RZ67

Film: Ilford HP5

Model: St. Merrique

Location: Portland, OR 

Window

This is about how I feel today. Staring out the window from the safety of the indoors. 

Behind the Scenes

This image is more of just a snapshot really, but I kind of dig it. It just kind of illustrates what my house will often look like on a weekend. Teaming up with another photographer and just spending the afternoon making images and having a good time.

Camera: Pentax UC-1
Film: Fomapan 100

F*ck It!!

I think I said the words "fuck it!" more times than I could ever possibly count during the creation of this image. I don't know what got in my head but I did hardly any due diligence at all when making it, i.e. I didn't bother checking my exposure with a light meter, I snapped the image at about f/8 without even focusing, and when I developed the negative I didn't even bother with temperature control. 

In the end, what came out is an image that I actually like.

So I guess it just goes to show, if you are one of those people who worries you could never be a photographer because it is just too technical of an exercise, it is entirely possible to say "fuck it" to the whole thing and still come up with a nice image. 

Camera: Mamiya RZ67
Film: Ilford HP5

Christine

Of all the people I am photographing for this little project of mine Christine is probably the person I have spent the least amount of time with. However, that doesn’t by any means make her less of an influence on my life. In fact, for reasons far too complicated to write in a few paragraphs she may be the person who has taught me the most.

I first met Christine in Seattle during an art exhibition that feels like it occurred a lifetime ago. In many ways it actually did take place during the course of another life for me. We did a photo shoot within about 15 minutes of meeting one another and had ourselves a lovely few days ripping around the emerald city with fellow friends. Somehow as the years went by we stayed in touch and I knew it was only a matter of time before our paths would cross again.

That day finally came on a recent trip to San Francisco. It only took about thirty seconds, a quick hug, and a round of drinks before it felt like old times again. Christine has the rare talent of daring a person to do things you never thought you would find yourself willing to partake in. It helps that no matter how crazy the dare might be she is always willing to do it right along with you. In my case it was singing a Pet Shop Boys tune on stage to a crowd of hipsters, letting tiny tears touch my face on an empty street simply because a U2 song came on the radio, and telling secrets while the winds of the Pacific Ocean howled around us well past the hour normal people (and most crazy people) stay awake.

But you know what I will always remember most about Christine? I have never heard her say my first name. Not once. Instead, I am always greeted or given a fond farewell with a high pitched “KAISER!!!” as if I just stole her lunch money. For as long as I live the echo of that little tradition of ours will never fail to make me smile.

Camera: Rolleiflex TLR
Film: Ilford HP5 and Kodak Ektar

Mazarine

If my career as a photographer was to be compared to that of a rock band from the 1980's, the top photograph would easily be my one hit wonder.

I made that image all the way back in 2008 and to this day I get e-mails, questions, print requests, and adoration for it at least once a week if not more. This is not a complaint mind you. I really don't begrudge the fact that I have at least one image that seems to stick with people. I think a lot of photographers go their entire life without accomplishing that and if I can do it once that means the potential will always be there to do it again.

I think it goes without saying that Mazarine, the lovely woman behind that image, has remained a close friend in my life. I honestly don't even remember how we met. It may have been a craigslist ad, or perhaps through Model Mayhem. Maybe she just found my website at random and got in touch with me. All these years later I really couldn't say nor am I sure it even matters. The only important thing is that picturing my world without her friendship just doesn't seem possible. 

Mazarine (greatest name ever btw!!) is perhaps the smartest and most ambitious person I have ever known. We catch up over breakfast or dinner quite regularly and I don't think I have ever had an encounter with her where she didn't change my way of thinking about at least one topic. The words "huh, I never thought of that!" are something I am completely accustomed to saying in her presence. I am convinced that if it weren't for her strong sense of character and honesty, she would probably be ruling the world by now. 

Camera: Mamiya C330 TLR - Rolleflex TLR
Film: Fomapan 100 - Ilford HP5

In Front of the Lens

Photograph of me by Humon Photography.

This shoot took place very last minute on a random Saturday afternoon. We had a ton of fun though and the level of nerdy discussions about cameras, film, and photography was really over the top. Hahaha!

I’m not really sure how this overly dramatic hand gesture came about either but I do like it. Normally I am not this poetic I swear.

Model: Andrew Kaiser
Location: Portland, OR

Blue

This lovely woman is by far one of my favorite people to photograph on color film. Her lips and the reddish tone of her skin contrast so strikingly with her deep blue eyes I am completely mesmerized each and every time I develop a new roll of film she took part in. 

Camera: Mamiya 645e
Film: Kodak Portra 160
Location: Portland, OR - Sauvie Island

Window Expression

I must have sat in front of the computer for hours trying to figure out how to edit this image. By hours, what I really mean is like twenty minutes, which for me is a really long time when it comes to editing a photo. I tend to like my images best when I stick to how I envisioned it at the time I clicked the shutter. I've learned over the years that your initial instinct when it comes to exposure and composition is usually dead on.

In this case though I just couldn't figure out how saturated I wanted it to be so I ultimately decided on a happy medium tone and just faded the colors a tad.

Camera: Sony A7
Location: Portland, OR
Model: Cait Lion

Close Crop

Not must to say other than I am strangely fond of the tight cropping on this image, which is typically a big no no for me. I guess we all need to try new things sometimes.

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Portland, OR

Portraits: Melanie

Melanie is living proof that sometimes it is just fate for two people to be friends. I first met her when she was traveling through Portland on her way to finish out her college degree in New York City. We clicked right away and spent more time drinking beer and talking about life than we did actually taking pictures.

After that day was over we parted ways and quite frankly I never expected to see her again. After all, I work with a lot of people just "passing through" Portland and I didn't think she would be any sort of exception.

Many months later Melanie finished her college degree, came back to Portland, and our friendship picked right back up as if she never left. 

Melanie and I have the same taste in bars, the same frustrations with day-to-day life, and a knack for talking about anything and everything for hours on end if need be. She is one of those rare people where I always enjoy the company even more than the activity. 

She is truly a jack of all trades when it comes to modeling and I can think of more than one occasion where we have both gotten soaking wet for the sake of a picture without one word of complaint being uttered.

NOTE: It is very likely that I am going to get yelled at by Melanie for posting a picture of her on the internet with a bandage over one eye. She may hate it, but personally I think it makes her look bad ass :-)

Camera: Rolleiflex TLR and Holga Toy Camera
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Portland, OR

Faces

When I worked with this particular model it was her very first time posing nude. I think in a small way to get over her fears she started making a ton of funny and exaggerated faces at me, which I completely adored. I could have sat there all day and all night clicking away at the shutter while she made one expression after another. 

Camera: Sony A7
Location: Portland, OR 

Goodbye

I woke up this morning to some very difficult news. My old friend, Joe Edward Segrest was tragically killed in a bicycling accident.

Joe was the very first male "model" I had ever worked with. Even though photographing male nudes has never been a huge part of my portfolio, his participation is incredibly meaningful to me. Joe was a beautiful man, full of life, energy, and kindness. Of all the people I have met over the years, he more than anyone embodied the notion that all people from all walks of life deserve respect and the benefit of an open mind.

Joe was a cancer survivor and when my mother struggled and ultimately lost her life to the same disease I often thought of Joe to inspire me to be strong. He lived his life in the most wonderfully contradictory way possible, with one foot always seeking out adventure and the other firmly grounded as a solid foundation for his friends and loved ones.

Joe will be missed, and for my part, he will always be remembered. 

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7
Film: Kodak Tri-X
Location: Santa Cruz, CA

Back Light

The back lighting on this image was a serious pain in the butt to get right. As I was making the shot the sun was rabidly falling behind the model. I kept urging her..."hold still...just hooooold still..." hoping that if I clicked the shutter enough times and twisted the exposure compensation knob all over the place one exposure would come out nicely before our only light source was buried behind the mountains behind us. 

Camera: Sony A7
Location: Portland, OR - Sauvie Island

I Can Read!

Part of my outlook on life these days is to make it a point to try new things. I think it is an effective way to deal with depression and perhaps get me out of this creative rut I am in.

So when a lovely friend of mine, and frequent model, asked me to read a chapter from her new book in front of a live audience I said, "Sure! What have I got to lose?"

The book is titled: They Call Me Rocket: Stories of a Rose City Stripper. The reading will take place on May 6th at the Star Theater in Portland Oregon, so if happen to have that evening free you should come on by! It should be entertaining if for no other reason than the fact that I will likely make a fool of myself on stage. That alone should be worth the price of admission. 

Camera: Mamiya C330 TLR
Film: Rollei RPX
Model: Rocket
Location: Portland, OR - Sauvie Island

Portraits: Holly

I've always considered myself a really independent person. Never have I been one to ask for help, or rely on my friends for anything. However, with a lot of life changes suddenly in front of me I've come to realize that I have a network of people who have been there for me whether I knew it or not. For that I am grateful. 

Coming to this conclusion I've become really interested in just taking portraits of people. Mostly people who have been kind enough to donate their time and jump in front of my camera over the years for no other reason than friendship.

It's fitting that I've started this project with Holly. She's been posing for me for nearly a decade now. I first met her in Berkley at an art show where she had a painting on display. To this day I have that very painting hanging in my home after she graciously donated it to me to commemorate our friendship.

Holly was willing to pose for me when I was dirt poor and could barely afford dinner, let alone a few rolls of film. Over the years she's been available for a beer and a smoke under the summer stars or a random adventure out in the woods, where we have promptly gotten lost more than once. We often joke that I will still be taking her picture when we are both old and gray and it cannot be denied she has the most amazing hair of anyone I have ever met.

I'm going to be taking these kinds of pictures more often. I need to fill my life with pictures that aren't just of people making perfect poses and looking pretty. I need something a little more real.

Camera: Rolleiflex TLR
Film: Ilford HP5
Location: Portland, OR

Eyes

What is it they say about the eyes? Something horribly cliche I'm sure and it's awfully tempting to quote it here but I won't. 

I think I'm starting to study faces more than I used to when I work. It's not a bad thing. It's much easier to look someone directly in the eye when you have the safety of the camera between you. I can use that to my advantage when I want to. 

Camera: Mamiya RZ67
Film: Ilford HP5
Location: Portland, OR

The Things We Do

First I made this poor model sit on a colony of angry ants. Then I made her pick up a dead fish. I swear I'm not a jerk!

Camera: Mamiya 645e
Film: Ilford Delta 400
Location: Portland, OR - Sauvie Island

The State Of Things

I think it is time to talk about some very hard truths in my life. It is entirely possible that an internet blog isn't the right avenue for this but I don't much care.

I spend a great deal of time on this blog practicing a certain art of deception. I am an expert at it in a lot of ways, both here and to the vast majority of the people I know in real life. I make a concentrated effort to sound as if I am in a state of perpetual optimism. The future holds no limits, each and every day is new and exciting, I can gaze at the world and find fascination in things both big and small. There is absolutely nothing that can break my spirit.

However, the truth of the matter is I am a person almost always gripped by fear. To a degree we all are, but for far too long I have taken it to an extreme. The only way I can describe it is imagine a constant shadow lingering in your stomach. It seduces you and sings to you. It tells you it is perfectly ok to just crawl inside yourself and embrace a certain degree of blindness. It weaves poems about how the world outside will hurt you so don't ever leave. All you have to do is put on a brave face and you can stay there in the darkness as long as you like.

Sometimes I will go for days without eating. It is far less of a body image issue and more just a result of being numb and walled off from the world. That gripping fear in my stomach doesn't feel much different from hunger a lot of the time. I often look for battles I do not need to fight because it is far easier than throwing punches with myself and admitting my ego is so battered it isn't even possible to be loved. I find it easier to hide the truth and avoid hard conversations with anyone who cares about me because I don't want them to see this seething ball of insecurity I have hidden away. I smack head first into walls constantly because I am so busy looking inward and holding myself together instead of paying attention to what is around me.

The real me is buried so deep I don't even know what I should be looking for half the time. I might as well be trying to turn night into day. I can scream at the stars and the moon all I want but the sun isn't going to rise any faster. 

This is who I am, and it is about time I stop running from it. Or rather in my case, stop hiding it.

The reason I am able to talk about this now is because I believe

I have finally hit rock bottom. It isn't a fun position to be in. It's terrifying knowing that in a lot of ways you can't sink any lower. At the same time, it is a necessary place to be. I've made all the mistakes I am going to make and I can't possibly make any more. It's also the only place in which I can finally accept help, both from within myself, from professionals, and from the many hands that have been held out to me over the years.

The very bottom is where you stop holding on for dear life and instead actually begin the climb out of the hole you've found yourself in.

Camera: Bessa R3A
Film: Ilford HP5
Model: Andrew Kaiser
Location: Bellingham, WA