Duality

I feel like most days I am living a dual life, and I must admit that the energy and force of will that it takes to switch back and forth between the two is becoming more than I can handle.

On one hand, I am the person most of my readers on this blog and on the internet know. I’m the artist, the photographer who is constantly going out on adventures, meeting new people, creating images, working diligently developing film and editing photographs. I’m the deep and emotional yet care free person who can convince a woman to fly thousands of miles and take pictures with me for a week. I’m the image maker with thousands of followers and an infinite number of friends.

Then on the other hand there is the regular me, the boring me. There is the guy who goes to an office job every single day and works on zoning permits and spreadsheets. There is the guy who is actually entertained by the stock market and gets the exact same haircut every two months because it takes too much effort to change it. There is the guy who goes home, pulls bills out of the mailbox, and eats frozen dinners alone because he can’t cook to save his life. There is the guy who drinks just a little too much, is socially awkward, has bad taste in music, and often falls asleep with pants on because he is too lazy to do anything else at the end of the day.

A lot less people want to know the regular boring me.

It seems that everyone in my life knows one side or the other, but never both. That fact alone I could handle. What gets to me most is that I can’t help but have the sense that nobody out there wants to know both sides. Those who meet me as the care free artist, the crazy photographer – they become painfully disappointed when they find out I have a boring regular life too. Then there are those who meet me as the office drone, the straight laced corporate worker – they become scared and run as fast as they can when they find out I have a life as a photographer. I am always being pulled completely one way or the other and never embraced as the whole person that I am. In my brain I am the complete package, but to everyone else I am either one or the other. Looking back through my life, I feel like each and every person I have known has kept one side or the other at a distance, never fully accepting all of me. They just see the side they want to and I inevitably disappoint them when I try to be my entire self.    

I’d be curious to hear if there are other creative types out there who have this problem, and if so, how did you overcome it?   

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Portland, OR

What To Do Next?

You know, I am really starting to get to a place where I'm wondering how many photographs I have left in me. I almost feel like a boxer, having been punched and gone into the ring so many times I'm left with permanent brain injury. Only in my case, it's more like my creative circuits just feel fried and frayed. 

I've been doing this for a long time. Decades in fact. I've snapped the shutter on various cameras over what must be millions of frames by now. The closet in my apartment is overflowing with negatives, old hard drives filled with digital files, and rolls of film that have yet to even be developed. Thanks to photography I've had the opportunity to meet some of my closest friends and have had experiences most people would feel lucky to partake in. It's been the source of some drama in my life, and headaches, and most importantly love.

At different stages it has also meant different things. Sometimes it was my escape, my reason and excuse to get away from regular life. Sometimes it has been a source of independence, that one activity I could truly call "mine". There were times it was about sharing an experience with someone, being a teacher or a student or even working in collaboration. It was a tool to get to know someone better. What it has never been is just simply making pictures.

At this stage in my life I don't know what it means or what it does for me. That right there is part of my frustration. I'm feeling a little bit lost in purpose. 

In a lot of ways I'm currently on auto-pilot. Just simply taking a break from photography doesn't seem like an option in my brain. I don't have many other hobbies. I don't geek out about TV shows all that much. I don't collect anything (besides cameras). Traveling could be a hobby if it wasn't for the fact that I have a day job that makes it difficult to get away often. 

So maybe the better question is how do I break out of this mode I am in? 

Please nobody read this post and freak out and beg me not to quit photography. I'm not going to do that. I'm just asking questions of myself is all and it can't be denied that is a healthy thing to do from time to time. 

Camera: Sony A7
Location: Vancouver, BC

Vancouver

Greetings everyone from lovely Vancouver!

I'm having a nice time just checking out the city, being social, and at the same time being rather solitary. It feels really good being in a new environment even if it does feel a little familiar. 

Camera: Sony A7
Location: Vancouver, BC

Why?

Yes. For some reason this exists...

Camera: Pentax UC-1
Film: Kodak Gold
Location: Laramie, WY

Old Truck

Every so often a lesson you've been trying to learn for a long while will suddenly hit you like a log over the head. When it does you feel both simultaneously enlightened and left picking at the bruise wondering why it took blunt force trauma to the head before you figured it out. 

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR 

Last Ride

This is the very last image I made with my Leica before I sold it. I'm posting it here now because I'm in the process of letting go and it seems fitting to look back on other times I'm done the same thing and reflect on how that turned out.

I used to love shooting with my Leica and if it is possible to put an inanimate object on a pedestal I certainly did so with that camera. But in the end, it was just a camera and it didn't make my work any better or worse. In fact, I probably shoot more now that it is gone than I ever did when I owned it. 

I'd like to believe that all things happen for a reason. 

A very dear friend of mine has accused me of sometimes having notions that are more at home in a Disney film as opposed to the real world, which is probably very true. I'm ok with this though. Being an optimist never hurt anyone.

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR 

Gasworks Park

Photographed on a very bright and sunny afternoon in Seattle. About five minutes after taking this image I found myself smoking a cigarette and doing a crossword puzzle in the sunshine with some very lovely people. It's just one of those moments I'll remember for a long time to come.

I've been enjoying working with the Fuji GA645 a lot lately. It's kind of the ultimate snapshot camera if you will. Easy and simple to use, auto everything, but with the lovely quality of a medium format negative. You can't really go wrong with that when taking pictures out and about. 

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Seattle, WA

Sad Face

This is the look I typically have on my face when I'm stuck behind a desk at work.

Photographed with a Pentax UC-1 point and shoot camera on Fomapan film. I've been saying for years that the UC-1 is the most highly underrated film camera ever. Why it hasn't gained a cult following I will never know. 

Camera: Pentax UC-1
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Wyoming 

Hitting the Road!

Well folks, I'm hitting the road first thing in the morning and won't be back to Portland for about eight days.  I'll be driving from coast to coast over the better part of a week and ending up in New York state by the end.  Naturally I'll be taking a ton of pictures along the way.

I'm actually slightly nervous and excited about this particular trip.  Why you may ask?  Well, the bulk of the film I am taking with me is color.  I am far more used to "seeing" my images in black and white but I'm thinking this will be a great creative exercise for me and get me out of that monochrome comfort zone.  In the long run I think it will be good for me.    

Wish me luck!

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR 

Bike Tire

Just walking around my neighborhood with the trusty ol' Leica.

Photographed wide open with my 50mm F/1.1 Nokton.  

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR 

Old Chairs

Some old chairs that caught my eye while I was walking around town.

I'm still trying to get the hang of using my 50mm Nokton F/1.1. This is an incredibly challenging lens in more ways than one. Not only is the depth of field extremely shallow when wide open, but the lens is also rather large with a very short focus throw. I suppose this is a good thing when trying to focus fast on a moving subject, but it is also a bad thing when your plane of focus is so razor thin.

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR 

Astoria Ship

Photographed in Astoria Oregon along the docks.  

I love walking around Astoria and seeing all the ships on the horizon.  They look like people to me, relaxing on a couch after a long journey, reflecting on where they have been and where they are going next.

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Kodak Portra
Location: Astoria, OR 

The Pug Shake

Normally I don’t go for fake Photoshop borders but in this image it just sort of works.

This is a picture of my dog giving herself a nice shake after rolling around in the grass for a bit.  I made this with a 50mm F/1.1 Nokton which is my favorite lens for extreme shallow depth of field. 

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR 

Hawthorne Stretch

Photographed under the Hawthorne Bridge with a 15mm Heliar attached to a Leica M.

Camera: Leica M
Location: Portland, OR - Hawthorne Bridge

Stalking Pug

I love the way my dog looks like she is on the prowl in this image.  Sure, she isn't a jungle beast in any way what-so-ever but I still think she's cute!

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Portland, OR - Sauvie Island

Astoria Railroad

Hanging out in Astoria Oregon with the Lomo LC-A.  I like the way the toy camera renders old buildings and signs, particularly in the overcast skies of the coast.

Looking at this is making me really crave a good road trip.  Anyone out there want to come?

Camera: Lomo LC-A
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Astoria, OR 

6th Avenue Motel

 

I love gigantic neon.  It's kind of a dying art in a lot of ways.  With all the strip malls and chain stores becoming the norm you don't see these unique attention grabbers very much anymore.

This image was made with Kodak Portra film stock.  With Kodak going through bankruptcy restructuring I have been terrified of loosing the opportunity to shoot with it more.

Really my only choice is to enjoy it while I can! 

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Kodak Portra
Location: Portland, OR 

New Horizon

 

This was the last frame I clicked with my camera in 2012.  I realize the metaphor might be a bit heavy handed in this particular case but that's ok.  The meaning is still there all the same.

Starting up this blog is definitely an attempt by me to get smarter about the ways in which I share my work and interact with my audience.  It has taken me a long time but I am finally starting to realize scrambling for hundreds of thousands of page views on Facebook and Twitter is not necessarily the best way to connect with people, especially if all those people are only looking at what toiled over for a fraction of a second.  I would much rather have far less people observe what I do for a meaningful period of time.

I suppose it all boils down to the "quantity vs. quality" argument, only with people as opposed to churning out work.    

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Fomapan 400
Location: Portland, OR