Pinhole Moment

Pinhole photography is really the closest thing I do to meditation. There is something about making an image with no certainty in mind that creates a zen like experience for me. No viewfinder, no precise way to calculate exposure, no confidence what-so-ever that the effort I put into it will result in an image at all.

I like that. 

Camera: Holga Wide Angle Pinhole

Film: Fomapan 100

Location: Bend, OR 

Blend

Sometimes I just love forcing the model to bleed into the landscape and disappear. 

Camera: Mamiya 645e

Film: Fomapan 100

Location: Bend, OR

Little Portrait

I love the little sliver of light falling right down the middle of the model's face. It's just a nice subtle draw on the eye that I quite enjoy.

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7

Model: St. Merrique

Film: Fomapan 100

Location: Portland, OR 

Cape Lookout

I'm not the most patriotic person on earth, but I figured today was a good day to post something colorful. 

Camera: Bessa R3A

Film: Kodak Ektar 100

Location: Cape Lookout, OR 

Pinhole

Pinhole photograph. Exposure was about thirty seconds on a sheet of 4x5 film. 

Camera: Ilford Titan Pinhole

Film: Fomapan 100

Location: Portland, OR - Sauvie Island

Color Shift

Working with Kodak Ektar under hot lights yields some rather extreme color shifts, but I sort of like the results anyway.

Camera: Mamiya C330 TLR

Film: Kodak Ektar

Location: San Francisco, CA

Commitment

“I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.” 

― Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

I recently re-read my well-worn copy of High Fidelity and I have to say the older I get the more relevant this book becomes for me. The above quote in particular really resonated in my brain because I feel like there are a lot of people in my life (myself included!!) who have trouble making commitments. Career commitments, creative commitments, romantic commitments, really they are all the same and somehow I have found myself locked in a culture where everyone is afraid to take a stand for fear of becoming trapped.  

We all like to think that the best strategy is to keep our options open. After all, if you go down one path full force, any and all potential doors in life will close and you’ll be stuck doing something you may not love. The problem is, keeping your options open also means you are standing still. You will never reach those moments of opportunity and they will never just fall in your lap either. We just wait and stand around sitting on the fence scratching our heads wondering why the answers never seem to come.

I think the challenge is to wrap my brain around the fact that a bad decision is far better than no decision at all. Any sort of momentum, even momentum in the wrong direction, is better than the indefinite waiting for that magic bullet that will tell us the right path to take. That simply does not exist. After all, I can always change direction and there are no choices that can’t be undone. Committing to something doesn’t by any means indicate I am sealed off from other opportunities. This isn’t easy mind you, but it is necessary. It’s necessary because by waiting around we are all just killing ourselves through the slow and deliberate action of indecision and doing nothing. Remembering this very simple fact comes wrapped in a box of fear and self-loathing and the cold hard inevitability that I will probably fail at least a few times before I find success. I just can’t forget, running head first into a wall and failing miserably is at the very least admirable.

But you know what the worst part is? When we commit to nothing we doom ourselves to a fate even worse than suicide. We become boring. We don’t provide a reason for the world or for anyone to care about us. We have nothing to show for our time on this earth and not a soul to mourn us beyond the acquaintances on our speed dial or the supposed friends who drifted past us on their own stagnant journey of non-commitment.   

Smoking

Yeah, I’ll admit it, I have a “thing” for watching a person smoke a cigarette. I know that puts me in the same camp as about 85% of the rest of the population and I don’t really care. When something works, it just simply works. 

Camera: Mamiya RZ67

Film: Ilford HP5

Model: St. Merrique

Location: Portland, OR 

Expressions

Playing with facial expressions. Not to mention continuing my complete obsessions with color negative film.

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7
Film: Kodak Ektar 100

The Things We Remember

Not a lot to say today. Mostly just busy inside of my own head.  

Camera: Mamiya RZ67

Film: Fomapan 100

Model: Olivia Odd

Leap

Little known fact about me that I don't often bring up; I have an irrational fear of heights. Many of the models I work with simply do not. So when I am making an image like this there is a very good chance that I am having a mini panic attack while simultaneously clicking the shutter.

Strange that I did this shoot just a few days ago when I am at a point in time where I feel ready to take a leap. I don't know what that leap is quite yet. Maybe it's moving to another place (the windy city is looking terribly attractive lately). Maybe it's just traveling for a few months straight. Maybe it's hibernating from the world. I'm not really sure.  

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7
Film: Fomapan 100
Model: Velocity

Duality

I feel like most days I am living a dual life, and I must admit that the energy and force of will that it takes to switch back and forth between the two is becoming more than I can handle.

On one hand, I am the person most of my readers on this blog and on the internet know. I’m the artist, the photographer who is constantly going out on adventures, meeting new people, creating images, working diligently developing film and editing photographs. I’m the deep and emotional yet care free person who can convince a woman to fly thousands of miles and take pictures with me for a week. I’m the image maker with thousands of followers and an infinite number of friends.

Then on the other hand there is the regular me, the boring me. There is the guy who goes to an office job every single day and works on zoning permits and spreadsheets. There is the guy who is actually entertained by the stock market and gets the exact same haircut every two months because it takes too much effort to change it. There is the guy who goes home, pulls bills out of the mailbox, and eats frozen dinners alone because he can’t cook to save his life. There is the guy who drinks just a little too much, is socially awkward, has bad taste in music, and often falls asleep with pants on because he is too lazy to do anything else at the end of the day.

A lot less people want to know the regular boring me.

It seems that everyone in my life knows one side or the other, but never both. That fact alone I could handle. What gets to me most is that I can’t help but have the sense that nobody out there wants to know both sides. Those who meet me as the care free artist, the crazy photographer – they become painfully disappointed when they find out I have a boring regular life too. Then there are those who meet me as the office drone, the straight laced corporate worker – they become scared and run as fast as they can when they find out I have a life as a photographer. I am always being pulled completely one way or the other and never embraced as the whole person that I am. In my brain I am the complete package, but to everyone else I am either one or the other. Looking back through my life, I feel like each and every person I have known has kept one side or the other at a distance, never fully accepting all of me. They just see the side they want to and I inevitably disappoint them when I try to be my entire self.    

I’d be curious to hear if there are other creative types out there who have this problem, and if so, how did you overcome it?   

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Portland, OR

When A Pinhole Won't Do

This image originally started as a pinhole photograph, but I liked the scene so much in color that I couldn't help but load a roll of cheap Fuji consumer film into a camera and take images that way instead.

I think I ultimately made the right decision on this one even though I'm itching to do more pinhole work lately. 

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7
Film: Fuji Reala
Model: St. Merrique

F*ck It!!

I think I said the words "fuck it!" more times than I could ever possibly count during the creation of this image. I don't know what got in my head but I did hardly any due diligence at all when making it, i.e. I didn't bother checking my exposure with a light meter, I snapped the image at about f/8 without even focusing, and when I developed the negative I didn't even bother with temperature control. 

In the end, what came out is an image that I actually like.

So I guess it just goes to show, if you are one of those people who worries you could never be a photographer because it is just too technical of an exercise, it is entirely possible to say "fuck it" to the whole thing and still come up with a nice image. 

Camera: Mamiya RZ67
Film: Ilford HP5

Christine

Of all the people I am photographing for this little project of mine Christine is probably the person I have spent the least amount of time with. However, that doesn’t by any means make her less of an influence on my life. In fact, for reasons far too complicated to write in a few paragraphs she may be the person who has taught me the most.

I first met Christine in Seattle during an art exhibition that feels like it occurred a lifetime ago. In many ways it actually did take place during the course of another life for me. We did a photo shoot within about 15 minutes of meeting one another and had ourselves a lovely few days ripping around the emerald city with fellow friends. Somehow as the years went by we stayed in touch and I knew it was only a matter of time before our paths would cross again.

That day finally came on a recent trip to San Francisco. It only took about thirty seconds, a quick hug, and a round of drinks before it felt like old times again. Christine has the rare talent of daring a person to do things you never thought you would find yourself willing to partake in. It helps that no matter how crazy the dare might be she is always willing to do it right along with you. In my case it was singing a Pet Shop Boys tune on stage to a crowd of hipsters, letting tiny tears touch my face on an empty street simply because a U2 song came on the radio, and telling secrets while the winds of the Pacific Ocean howled around us well past the hour normal people (and most crazy people) stay awake.

But you know what I will always remember most about Christine? I have never heard her say my first name. Not once. Instead, I am always greeted or given a fond farewell with a high pitched “KAISER!!!” as if I just stole her lunch money. For as long as I live the echo of that little tradition of ours will never fail to make me smile.

Camera: Rolleiflex TLR
Film: Ilford HP5 and Kodak Ektar

My Little "Want"

I woke up this morning with the strange desire to do a gallery show. I haven't felt the need to show my work in a gallery for years. I sort of got over that need for validation in that whole messy system a long time ago.

But now suddenly I wanted to do it again. I'm not sure it is really validation I'm looking for though, maybe more of a re-evaluation of myself and what I do. Maybe I'm just craving a little human interaction when it comes to sharing art. Or maybe I'm seeing it as a good excuse to do some traveling.

Whatever it is, I should get on it.

Camera: Fuji GA645zi
Film: Fomapan 100
Location: Portland, OR

Lost

I feel like I have amnesia,

but I know it's myself I've lost.

I wonder what's happened so far,

and what might have been the cost.

- Mind.in.a.box - Amnesia

Camera: Mamiya C330 TLR
Film: Fomapan 100
Model: Anna Tree

Comparison

A little while ago I posted a digital version of this exact same image. In all honesty, I can't decide which one I like better.

On one hand, the digital version has a vibrancy and color "pop" that I really enjoy. On the other hand, the film version has a lot of subtle tones and soft lighting that is just so pleasing in the way it compliments the shape of the model's figure.

It just goes to show sometimes there are no right answers.

Camera: Rolleiflex TLR
Film: Ilford HP5
Model: Anya

Mazarine

If my career as a photographer was to be compared to that of a rock band from the 1980's, the top photograph would easily be my one hit wonder.

I made that image all the way back in 2008 and to this day I get e-mails, questions, print requests, and adoration for it at least once a week if not more. This is not a complaint mind you. I really don't begrudge the fact that I have at least one image that seems to stick with people. I think a lot of photographers go their entire life without accomplishing that and if I can do it once that means the potential will always be there to do it again.

I think it goes without saying that Mazarine, the lovely woman behind that image, has remained a close friend in my life. I honestly don't even remember how we met. It may have been a craigslist ad, or perhaps through Model Mayhem. Maybe she just found my website at random and got in touch with me. All these years later I really couldn't say nor am I sure it even matters. The only important thing is that picturing my world without her friendship just doesn't seem possible. 

Mazarine (greatest name ever btw!!) is perhaps the smartest and most ambitious person I have ever known. We catch up over breakfast or dinner quite regularly and I don't think I have ever had an encounter with her where she didn't change my way of thinking about at least one topic. The words "huh, I never thought of that!" are something I am completely accustomed to saying in her presence. I am convinced that if it weren't for her strong sense of character and honesty, she would probably be ruling the world by now. 

Camera: Mamiya C330 TLR - Rolleflex TLR
Film: Fomapan 100 - Ilford HP5

Feet

Anyone who has ever posed for me knows that chances are your feet will look like this by the time we are finished.

Camera: Minolta Maxxum 7
Film: Fomapan 100